A measure of patience is due our guests from Tennessee. Please pay heed as I endeavor to explain the phenomenon known as "Football Phil."
Simply put, Football Phil is a force for good in the world. He simply adjudicates all acts of evil based on a personal code of conduct that supersedes any legal entity or jurisdiction. If you are righteous, if you are just, if you are virtuous, if you are respectful, the Football Phil will bless you with his universal benevolence.
Imagine the physique of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, the intellect of Aristotle, the wisdom of the great Buddha, and the ruthlessness of Richard Bronson. If you can imagine that, you can imagine Football Phil.
But like any character from a Clint Eastwood film, be it the conflicted Josey Wales, the regretful Frankie Dunn, or the haunted Walt Kowalsky, Football Phil has a dark side. When conditions warrant, he becomes the unwilling enforcer--a man who knows the pain and duty of having to bring harm to a fellow man who has given in to Darkness. Phil, being a force of light, illuminates Darkness in very unsubtle ways. Do not veer into Darkness around Phil.
I first met Phil decades ago. I was alone on a 12-day backpack in the Rawah Wilderness, far from the trappings of civilization, and frankly in some distress. My water filter had broken, and in my ignorance had been burning fuel to boil water. It was Phil who set me on the path to greater consciousness. He approached my high camp by scaling a 40-ft cliff with his 230lb pack (Phil always carried a set of 90-lb dumbbells for curls on his backpack trips). Seeing my distress, he gave me his last bottle of Old Spice, wherein the alcohol-based solvents provided a potent source of fuel. He then gave me his last muscle tank t-shirt, a supple blend of fabrics composed from merino wool and the golden tresses from Assyrian virgins that was so finely woven that it was ideal for filtering fluids. His parting words to me that day, "Yo, increase the peace, brah" still resonate in my mind decades later.
Phil pays no particular allegiance to country or flag. He is universal. However, he does express a heartfelt fondness for Northwestern and the football Wildcats. Phil toiled for NU during the Dark Ages, a period during which the administration was openly hostile toward athletics. Had it not been for Phil, Northwestern very likely would have dropped the program in the early 1970s, when disco was nearing its apex as a social phenomenon. Though only a strapping 19 year old weighing 230 lbs, Phil possessed the gravitas to "discuss important matters" with much older, more accomplished men. It was Football Phil who strode unannounced into the office of President Robert Strotz one summer day. Phil had just completed his eighth set of gassers, yet still was composed enough to deliver a message to Strotz, who that day intended to deliver a resolution to the Board that football be abolished at Northwestern.
Phil's message to Strotz was simple: "My left bicep represents the Arts. My right bicep represents the Sciences. They are beautifully apportioned, as you can plainly see. If you disband football at this fine institution, you will be crushed by Arts and Sciences."
Word has it that Strotz was visibly shaken, but even his myopic mind could grasp the notion that athletics and academic excellence could co-exist, and in fact be mutually re-enforcing. It is also believed that Yassar Arafat, in his famous "Olive Branch" speech before the UN, borrowed directly from Phil's "advice" delivered to Strotz that fateful day.
Now in his sixties, Phil's physique has barely aged. But his wisdom and sense of duty to society has blossomed. Phil regularly patrols Northwestern games, enlightening guest fans to the ways of eternal light, steering them away from the Darkness.
