Good old fashioned Buckeye Hating jokes

[EvanstonCat]

Let your hate flow.....

Q. Why do ducks fly over Columbus, Ohio upside down? A. There's nothing worth crapping on!

Q: Why do OSU grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: Why don't Ohio State football players sink in the Great Lakes? A: Because crap floats.

Q: What does a Buckeye grad call a Northwestern grad in 5 years? A: Boss!

Q: What's the one thing that keeps OSU football players from graduating? A: Going to Class.

Q: Did you hear about the fire in OSU football dorm that destroyed 20 books? A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

Q: How do you castrate an Ohio State Buckeyes fan? A: Kick his sister in the mouth

Q: What should you do if you find three buckeye fans buried up to their neck in cement? A: Get more cement.

Q: What's the difference between a buckeye fan and a carp? A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

 

[EvanstonCat]

Now a short poem that captures my feelings for dOSU quite accurately:

Indeed indeed, I cannot tell,
Though I ponder on it well,
Which were easier to state,
All my love or all my hate.
Surely, surely, thou wilt trust me
When I say thou dost disgust me.
O, I hate thee with a hate
That would fain annihilate

Henry David Thoreau

 

[phatcat]

Let your hate flow.....

Q. Why do ducks fly over Columbus, Ohio upside down? A. There's nothing worth crapping on!

Q: Why do OSU grads keep their diplomas on their dashboards? A: So they can park in handicap spaces.

Q: Why don't Ohio State football players sink in the Great Lakes? A: Because crap floats.

Q: What does a Buckeye grad call a Northwestern grad in 5 years? A: Boss!

Q: What's the one thing that keeps OSU football players from graduating? A: Going to Class.

Q: Did you hear about the fire in OSU football dorm that destroyed 20 books? A: The real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet.

Q: How do you castrate an Ohio State Buckeyes fan? A: Kick his sister in the mouth

Q: What should you do if you find three buckeye fans buried up to their neck in cement? A: Get more cement.

Q: What's the difference between a buckeye fan and a carp? A: One is a bottom-feeding, scum sucker, and the other is a fish.

Three Buckeyes in a car. Who's driving?
The police

 

[StreamCat]

An Ecat sandwich. He's on a roll with relish.

 

[EvanstonCat]

Three Buckeyes in a car. Who's driving?
The police

 

[stpaulcat]

ECat has become the anti-Wrassler?

 

[EvanstonCat]

ECat has become the anti-Wrassler?

No, I'm certain the Wrassler hates the Bucks almost as much as I do, because deep down I know he is a true purple blooded Wildcat fan.

 

[RevCat]

So the Buckeyes are back at the team hotel after getting blown out by Clemson in 2017.

It's late. Everyone should be asleep. But at about 2 in the morning, Urban Meyer hears some raucous laughter coming from the room of one of the players. Holding his head, he gets out of bed to investigate. He locates the exact room, knocks on the door, and a Buckeye player lets him in.

And there before Coach Meyer is a scene of unbridled joy. About 20 Buckeyes ring the room, filling it with a crescendo of laughter and backslapping. And in the center of the room stands a table with a puzzle on it.

Meyer is dumbfounded. He says, "Guys, how can you laugh at a time like this? You just lost the biggest game of your careers."

To which one of the players responds with a broad smile. "Coach. We just completed the puzzle we began way back at training camp!"

'So?" Says Coach Meyer

"You don't understand" says the Buckeye, "so let me break it down for you. Training camp was 5 months ago."

So?

"Well, we finished the puzzle in 5 months, but in the right hand corner of the puzzle box it says: Suggested for 1 to 3 yrs!"

 

[phatcat]

They are actually a useful foil for me, because they beat the crap out of Michigan every year, and likewise usually Pedophile State. Those are two teams I truly despise. Illinois is a third but they are harmless in the big picture.

But...let's not pretend OSU is something they are not. OSU is a very good school overall, but the football team is effectively an NFL prep team. Out of the 20-something kids per class, probably half go on to sign with the NFL (some successful, some not). Many of them after 3 years. They don't come to play no school

I'm not going to get all holier than thou about it, a lot of us want our football team to be like Duke basketball. And the kids are right to seek millions instead of a diploma that they can get later.

But it is absolutely, positively a different model. Regardless of whether Zach Smith beat his wife or players are paid, etc.

Meyer: 'if you come here, 50% chance you go to NFL
Fitz: ' if you come here, we will stand behind you, come what may, you will graduate, and you have an outside shot at the NFL'

I like our model

 

[ThatkidfromHolland]

How many OSU football players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

1. But he gets 3 credits for it.


(Also works for any SEC school and how it who it originally meant for scUM)

 

[kaTNap]

Posted before, but still a classic:

 

[klemman]

Lol. There’s a few good ones, some that are a little old, but I know someone out there has a great one. Bring it on.

 

[Frabjous]

Then there was the pink flamingo in Florida who put a Buckeye on his lawn.

 

[MRCat95]

What do you get when you drive slowly through Columbus? An OSU degree.

Directions to Columbus... South until you smell it... East until you step in it.

 

[ubercat]

What's the best thing to ever come out of Ohio?

Interstate 70

 

[villox]

Two Ohio State football players were doing judge-mandated community service. One of them would use a shovel to dig a hole, and the next would follow behind and fill it back in. They did this all day long, one digging, one filling it right back up. A bystander finally decided to interrupt and ask them why the hell they were digging holes and then shoveling the dirt back in. The first player responded: “I suppose this does look strange. There are normally three of us, but the guy who plants the trees called in sick.”

 

[EvanstonCat]

Two Ohio State football players were doing judge-mandated community service. One of them would use a shovel to dig a hole, and the next would follow behind and fill it back in. They did this all day long, one digging, one filling it right back up. A bystander finally decided to interrupt and ask them why the hell they were digging holes and then shoveling the dirt back in. The first player responded: “I suppose this does look strange. There are normally three of us, but the guy who plants the trees called in sick.”

Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

 

[StreamCat]

A jet was flying to Columbus. The pilot announced that one of their engines had gone out, but the plane was fine because the other three engines were functioning normally. The pilot did report, however, that the trip would be about a half an hour longer.

Soon, the pilot reported that a second engine had gone out, but he calmly noted that the plane could fly properly with two engines. However, he added, the trip would take about an hour and fifteen minutes longer.

Unhappily, the pilot later announced that a third engine had burned out. "Don't worry, we'll be fine" the pilot assured the passengers. "We can fly with one engine, but the trip might take as much as three hours longer."

One of the many Buckeyes onboard then looked out his window when he saw the fourth engines stutter and flame out. "Aw, crap," he muttered, "now we'll be up here all day."

 

[Hungry Jack]

It’s midday in Columbus, and two big guys are sitting at a bar staring numbly at their half-filled mugs. Several empty mugs and shot glasses rest on the bar before them.

One finally turns to the other and says “where ya from, man?”

“I came from Ft. Lauderdale.”

“No kidding! Me too! Here’s to The Fort, bra!”

They raise their glasses and toast.

“Where’d you go to school, man?”

“St. Thomas Aquinas High. Home of the Raiders!”

“Holy crap! I’m a Raider too! Here’s to the Raiders!”

Another toast. The mugs are near empty now.

“Where’d you ball out, man?”

“The Ohio State University.”

“Me too! Played for Urban. Didn’t have to play school! Here’s to not playing school!”

The mugs are drained. A stoned silence returns.

A few minutes later, a hulking man walks in. He sports a buzz cut and a scarlet jersey bearing number 45.

The bartender looks up and says “A Katz, good to see you!”

The man replies “Hey Cardale, what’s new?”

“Nothing really. Just the Bosa brothers getting drunk again.”

 

[villox]

The team captains of the OSU football team, reeling from relentless attacks on the Northwestern message boards calling into question their intelligence leading up to the B1G Championship, decide to call a team meeting. They invite a reporter so they could show the world that they also came to play school.

Captain 1: "We're here to prove we ain't dumb! Go ahead, ask us any question!"

The reporter, being a Buckeye fan, decides to start simple: "In which month of the year is the Fourth of July?"

A player raises his hand: "That's easy. August."

Reporter: "Sorry no it's July." The players starts getting restless, chanting: "Give us another chance! Give us another chance!"

Reporter: "OK. What's the capital of the United States?"

A player raises his hand: "New York?"

Reporter: "Sorry no, it's Washington, DC". Again the players get worked up: "Give us another chance! Give us another chance!"

Reporter: "OK, fine. What's one plus one?"

A player raises his hand: "Two?"

All the other players immediately jump to their feet: "Give us another chance! Give us another chance!"

 

[EvanstonCat]

 

[villox]

Two ex-Ohio State Football players applied for a job. It was an entry level job, and thus did not require a University education, which was convenient since neither of them had one. The manager couldn't decide between the two of them, so he decided to break the tie by administering a test, which he administered in a quiet locked room.

The manager revealed that both of them had gotten a score of 0 out of 10 on the test, but decided to give the job to ex-player number 1. Ex-Player 2 protested, and said "Why does he get the job if we both got the same score?"

The manager replied: "Well, for each of the answers on the test, he wrote: "I don't know." For each of your answers, you wrote "Neither do I."

 

[EvanstonCat]

Two ex-Ohio State Football players applied for a job. It was an entry level job, and thus did not require a University education, which was convenient since neither of them had one. The manager couldn't decide between the two of them, so he decided to break the tie by administering a test, which he administered in a quiet locked room.

The manager revealed that both of them had gotten a score of 0 out of 10 on the test, but decided to give the job to ex-player number 1. Ex-Player 2 protested, and said "Why does he get the job if we both got the same score?"

The manager replied: "Well, for each of the answers on the test, he wrote: "I don't know." For each of your answers, you wrote "Neither do I."

I have a new appreciation for your abilities villox.

 

[villox]

OK last one...

An OSU football player, we'll call him Joey to protect the guilty, was sentenced to prison (as an OSU player is wont to do). In prison, he was very popular with the other inmates and the guards, as many of them too had played for or rooted for Ohio State. The warden, an ardent Buckeyes fan, took a liking to Joey, and in the interest of rehabilitating him made special arrangements for him to learn a trade and do odd jobs on weekends in the community. After a few years, Joey became known an expert carpenter, and the warden started to field requests from many other Buckeyes fans in the area, all eager to look past his criminal background as long as it had some benefit to them (as an OSU fan is wont to do).

The warden himself undertook a kitchen remodel, but as he could only get away with letting Joey out on weekends decided to do much of the work himself. However, he reached a particularly challenging part of the project that he really needed expert help on as he had ordered a very expensive custom quartz top for his cupboards and wanted it to come out perfectly. So he asked Joey if he wouldn't mind helping him out.

Joey, however, refused. "I'm sorry sir, but counter fitting is what landed me in prison in the first place."

 

[NJCat]

OK last one...

An OSU football player, we'll call him Joey to protect the guilty, was sentenced to prison (as an OSU player is wont to do). In prison, he was very popular with the other inmates and the guards, as many of them too had played for or rooted for Ohio State. The warden, an ardent Buckeyes fan, took a liking to Joey, and in the interest of rehabilitating him made special arrangements for him to learn a trade and do odd jobs on weekends in the community. After a few years, Joey became known an expert carpenter, and the warden started to field requests from many other Buckeyes fans in the area, all eager to look past his criminal background as long as it had some benefit to them (as an OSU fan is wont to do).

The warden himself undertook a kitchen remodel, but as he could only get away with letting Joey out on weekends decided to do much of the work himself. However, he reached a particularly challenging part of the project that he really needed expert help on as he had ordered a very expensive custom quartz top for his cupboards and wanted it to come out perfectly. So he asked Joey if he wouldn't mind helping him out.

Joey, however, refused. "I'm sorry sir, but counter fitting is what landed me in prison in the first place."

[groan...]

 

[phatcat]

Ok I was saving this one. It is "borrowed "

It's a little known fact that ECat grew up in a family of dOSU fans. One day, they were at the mall, and he couldn't take his eyes off a purple NU jersey. He said to his sister, "I've decided to become a Northwestern fan". To which she replies" what? We are OSU fans in this family!", she cuffs him aside the head, and takes him to his mom. He repeats the story to her and she grabs him by the ear and says "wait until your father hears this". He encounters his dad and says "I want to be an NU fan". His dad says, "son, follow me". He takes him in the mens room and paddles his ass.

On the way home, ECat is still quietly crying, and his mom says, "well, I hope you learned something,"

ECat replies "I did. I've only been an NU fan for 20 minutes and I ready hate you sons of bitches"

 

[NJCat]

Ok I was saving this one. It is "borrowed "

It's a little known fact that ECat grew up in a family of dOSU fans. One day, they were at the mall, and he couldn't take his eyes off a purple NU jersey. He said to his sister, "I've decided to become a Northwestern fan". To which she replies" what? We are OSU fans in this family!", she cuffs him aside the head, and takes him to his mom. He repeats the story to her and she grabs him by the ear and says "wait until your father hears this". He encounters his dad and says "I want to be an NU fan". His dad says, "son, follow me". He takes him in the mens room and paddles his ass.

On the way home, ECat is still quietly crying, and his mom says, "well, I hope you learned something,"

ECat replies "I did. I've only been an NU fan for 20 minutes and I ready hate you sons of bitches"

Best one yet!!

 

[phatcat]

Best one yet!!

It's clearly stolen, but resonates because of the ECat factor

 

[TheC]

Great, guys. All the hard work Fitz did last Saturday to just barely win that Illini game in order to de-motivate Ohio State and you guys have undone it all in one thread.

 

[EvanstonCat]

Ok I was saving this one. It is "borrowed "

It's a little known fact that ECat grew up in a family of dOSU fans. One day, they were at the mall, and he couldn't take his eyes off a purple NU jersey. He said to his sister, "I've decided to become a Northwestern fan". To which she replies" what? We are OSU fans in this family!", she cuffs him aside the head, and takes him to his mom. He repeats the story to her and she grabs him by the ear and says "wait until your father hears this". He encounters his dad and says "I want to be an NU fan". His dad says, "son, follow me". He takes him in the mens room and paddles his ass.

On the way home, ECat is still quietly crying, and his mom says, "well, I hope you learned something,"

ECat replies "I did. I've only been an NU fan for 20 minutes and I ready hate you sons of bitches"

Of course, we all know this is just a joke (a good one at that). There is no way I grew up in a family of dOSU fans, and even if this were a true story, 20 minutes would be way too long.

 

[phatcat]

Great, guys. All the hard work Fitz did last Saturday to just barely win that Illini game in order to de-motivate Ohio State and you guys have undone it all in one thread.

I'm sure the dOSU players are too busy studying to read this

 

[EvanstonCat]

OK last one...

An OSU football player, we'll call him Joey to protect the guilty, was sentenced to prison (as an OSU player is wont to do). In prison, he was very popular with the other inmates and the guards, as many of them too had played for or rooted for Ohio State. The warden, an ardent Buckeyes fan, took a liking to Joey, and in the interest of rehabilitating him made special arrangements for him to learn a trade and do odd jobs on weekends in the community. After a few years, Joey became known an expert carpenter, and the warden started to field requests from many other Buckeyes fans in the area, all eager to look past his criminal background as long as it had some benefit to them (as an OSU fan is wont to do).

The warden himself undertook a kitchen remodel, but as he could only get away with letting Joey out on weekends decided to do much of the work himself. However, he reached a particularly challenging part of the project that he really needed expert help on as he had ordered a very expensive custom quartz top for his cupboards and wanted it to come out perfectly. So he asked Joey if he wouldn't mind helping him out.

Joey, however, refused. "I'm sorry sir, but counter fitting is what landed me in prison in the first place."

The genius of villox's storytelling is that beyond the punchline, there are all sorts of references to the Buckeye character (wholly and precisely accurate, I may add) that make the jokes so compelling. Well done, villox!

 

[EvanstonCat]

I'm sure the dOSU players are too busy studying to read this

Now, that's a great joke! I fell out of my chair laughing at that one.

Both because of the reference to studying and the implication that they can read.

 

[villox]

The genius of villox's storytelling is that beyond the punchline, there are all sorts of references to the Buckeye character (wholly and precisely accurate, I may add) that make the jokes so compelling. Well done, villox!

I must confess to having stolen the general premise of said jokes, but the modifications were my own and what joke is original anyway?

 

[villox]

Randy Walker finds himself standing outside the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is there to greet him.

Walker: "What happened? Is...is this heaven?"

St. Peter: "I'm afraid it was your time. But you're not in yet. First you must spell a word."

Walker: "What word?"

St. Peter: "Any word will be fine."

Walker: "Okay then. Cats. C-A-T-S. Cats".

St. Peter: "Welcome into the Kingdom of Heaven, Randy."

Twelve minutes later (twelve years in earth time), St. Peter comes up to Walker. "Hey. Uh, would you mind watching the gates real quick? I've really gotta go."

Walker. "If it can wait a split second, watching some football... OK ready now. Sure. What do I do if anyone shows up?"

St. Peter: "Same deal. Make 'em spell a word and they're in."

Just then, Urban Meyer shows up.

Meyer: "Randy? Is that really you? I was just at the Big Ten Championship, coaching the Buckeyes in a loss to freaking Northwestern. Our fans stormed the field and started ripping me limb from limb and next thing I know I'm sitting here with you. Is this Heaven?"

Randy: "No, first you must spell a word."

Meyer: "What word? Any word?"

Randy (with a sly grin): "conscience"

 

[EvanstonCat]

Randy Walker finds himself standing outside the Pearly Gates. St. Peter is there to greet him.

Walker: "What happened? Is...is this heaven?"

St. Peter: "I'm afraid it was your time. But you're not in yet. First you must spell a word."

Walker: "What word?"

St. Peter: "Any word will be fine."

Walker: "Okay then. Cats. C-A-T-S. Cats".

St. Peter: "Welcome into the Kingdom of Heaven, Randy."

Twelve minutes later (twelve years in earth time), St. Peter comes up to Walker. "Hey. Uh, would you mind watching the gates real quick? I've really gotta go."

Walker. "If it can wait a split second, watching some football... OK ready now. Sure. What do I do if anyone shows up?"

St. Peter: "Same deal. Make 'em spell a word and they're in."

Just then, Urban Meyer shows up.

Meyer: "Randy? Is that really you? I was just at the Big Ten Championship, coaching the Buckeyes in a loss to freaking Northwestern. Our fans stormed the field and started ripping me limb from limb and next thing I know I'm sitting here with you. Is this Heaven?"

Randy: "No, first you must spell a word."

Meyer: "What word? Any word?"

Randy (with a sly grin): "conscience"

You have a talent, sir. Unleash it and let it shine.

 

[phatcat]

Q: what did they Buckeye player get on his SAT?

A: drool

 

[phatcat]

How many OSU freshmen does it take to screw in a light bulb

None, it's a sophomore course

 

[villox]

Urban Meyer, perplexed as to how a school could possibly go 16-1 in their last 17 conference games and reeling from a loss in the Big Ten Championship game, decides to pay a visit to Northwestern to see if Fitz is willing to share any secrets. Fitz, always a good guy, is willing to host even though he expects two rematches against the Buckeyes next season.

Meyer observes a Rose bowl practice but doesn't see anything schematically or physically interesting that he doesn't already have in superior talent and coaching. So he confronts Fitz: "How do you do it? How do you keep winning with less?"

Fitz: "First of all, that's insulting. I win with more. But it's important you keep the guys sharp mentally. I quiz my players with brain teasers at random." He calls over Clayton Thorson. "Hey Clayton. Riddle for you. I am my father's son, but I am not my brother. Who am I?" Thorson: "That's easy, it's me."

Meyer, armed with a new tool in his box, returns to Columbus. He calls over JK Dobbins. "JK, I've got a riddle for you. I am my father's son, but I am not my brother. Who am I?" Dobbins: "Man, that's a tough one. Can I sleep on it?" Meyer decides to allow it.

Dobbins returns to his apartment and decides to call up the smartest person he knows, fellow Texan and guy who owned him in the B1GCG, Paddy Fisher. "Hey Paddy, can you help me out? Coach asked me a riddle last night and I've got no clue. I am my father's son, but I am not my brother. Who am I?" Fisher: "That's easy. It's me."

The next day, Dobbins returns to Meyer.

Meyer: "Well, do you have the answer to the riddle?"
Dobbins: "Is...is it Paddy Fisher?"
Meyer: "No you stupid sonofabitch, it's Clayton Thorson."