Lena says, " Maybe it's just as veil dat money can't but happiness. Vid da ugh prices dese days.
Nobody could afford it.
Nobody could afford it.
Wednesday Nerdy (intelligent?) joke day; Ole and Lena addition?
- Thread starter Deeringfish
- Start date
Ole and Lena were talking one night and Lena asked Ole if he would marry again if Lena went first. "Of course," said Ole, "Married life has been good to me so I could probably get married again."
LENA: Well, could you let her live in da house?
OLE: Of course. We could have to live somewhere.
LENA: And could she sleep in my bed?
OLE: Yah, I suppose so. We could have to sleep somewhere.
LENA: Vhat about my car? Vould you let her drive my car?
OLE: Of course not! She dusssent know how to use the stick shift.
LENA: Well, could you let her live in da house?
OLE: Of course. We could have to live somewhere.
LENA: And could she sleep in my bed?
OLE: Yah, I suppose so. We could have to sleep somewhere.
LENA: Vhat about my car? Vould you let her drive my car?
OLE: Of course not! She dusssent know how to use the stick shift.
Ole was driving with Lena i the car and her mother in the back seat.
Neither woman would leave him alone..
Mother in law kept saying, "Ole, your driving too fast."
Lena kept cautioning, "Your driving too far to da left."
After about an hour of this, Ole pulled over, got out of the car and said to Lena, "Who's driving this car? You or your mother?"
Neither woman would leave him alone..
Mother in law kept saying, "Ole, your driving too fast."
Lena kept cautioning, "Your driving too far to da left."
After about an hour of this, Ole pulled over, got out of the car and said to Lena, "Who's driving this car? You or your mother?"
(Prequel)
Ole and Lena are teenagers on a date. Ole pulls the car over on a secluded country lane.
Ole (with a spark in his eye): Vell, Lena, vould you like to go to the back seat?
Lena: Oh no. I'd rather stay here in the front vit you.
Ole and Lena are teenagers on a date. Ole pulls the car over on a secluded country lane.
Ole (with a spark in his eye): Vell, Lena, vould you like to go to the back seat?
Lena: Oh no. I'd rather stay here in the front vit you.
Sorry, I don't do Ole and Lena.
Texan: "Where are you from?"
Harvard Graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end sentences with prepositions."
Texan: "Okay— where are you from, jackass?"
Texan: "Where are you from?"
Harvard Graduate: "I come from a place where we do not end sentences with prepositions."
Texan: "Okay— where are you from, jackass?"
A German Shepherd went to the telegram office, took out a blank form, and wrote: "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog: "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price."
"But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'
Blonde joke:
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "Shut up...you're next!"
man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”
The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”
Here's one that is actually true, but a joke nonetheless:
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.
The Russians used a pencil.
Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”
A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.
The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”
“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”
The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”
OK, one more try...
A blond decides she is tired of being labeled a ditz, and has her hair dyed brown. On the way home she decides she feels very smart, and as she passes a farm she sees the farmer out in the field. She stops her car and tells him "I am very smart. If I can tell you the exact number of sheep in your field, can I have one?". The farmer lets her give it a go, and surprisingly she gets the number exactly right. The farmer says "I am impressed. You must be very intelligent. Go ahead and pick your sheep.".
As the blond is backing out of the driveway with her prize, and feeling very smart, she notices the farmer running toward her. As she stops the car the farmer, panting, says to her "OK. If I can guess the color of your natural hair, can I have my dog back?".
A man from China emigrates to the US, becomes a citizen and applies for a drivers license. The guy at the license department asks him his name and the man says "My name is Ole Olsen." The license guy says excuse me for asking, but how is it that a man from China is named Ole Olson?
The man says "When I came to the US I was standing in line behind a Swedish guy named Ole Olson, and when they asked me my name I said 'Sam Ting.'
Is Norway close enough?
Q: Who is the world's most famous Norwegian?
A: Henry Fjord.
The man says "When I came to the US I was standing in line behind a Swedish guy named Ole Olson, and when they asked me my name I said 'Sam Ting.'
Is Norway close enough?
Q: Who is the world's most famous Norwegian?
A: Henry Fjord.
Assume it is ok to have a little fun at the expense of our friends in Columbus...
A Buckeye walks into a pizza joint and asks How many slices are in a large pie? Pizza guy says, six slices in a large pie. Buckeye says, ' I can't eat six slices, you better cut it in four slices.'
A Buckeye walks into a pizza joint and asks How many slices are in a large pie? Pizza guy says, six slices in a large pie. Buckeye says, ' I can't eat six slices, you better cut it in four slices.'
Ha, the version I heard is, the Texan says 'F*ck off.'
A Texan walks into a bar with a frog on his head. The bartender, a Harvard grad, says What the hell is this?
The frog says 'It started off as a wart on my ass.'
Three Native American women give birth.
The first has a son, on a bear hide.
The second has a son, on a deer hide.
The third has twin sons, on a hippopotamus hide, thus proving that the Squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the son of the Squaw of the other two hides.
I will show myself out.
The first has a son, on a bear hide.
The second has a son, on a deer hide.
The third has twin sons, on a hippopotamus hide, thus proving that the Squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the son of the Squaw of the other two hides.
I will show myself out.
Another true one...
At Arnold Engineering Development Center in Tullahoma, Tennessee, they have a thing they call the "chicken gun." It shoots chickens at airplane canopies to test for collision resistance. There is a joke about accidentally using frozen chickens which is made up. But I did some work for them years ago and heard the following true story:
When the chicken gun was first built, they got it calibrated and it worked very well for some time. Then, the failure rate started going up pretty markedly. It crossed various types of canopies and glass. The scientists checked all of the settings on the gun and everything checked out. They went through the math and could find nothing wrong but the failures were statistically way too high. Someone finally called the chicken supplier and asked him if anything had changed with the chickens. He told them that they had become his best customer so he had started giving them the next larger size chickens at no extra charge. They thanked him for the thought and requested that he return to the smaller chickens. Problem solved.
At Arnold Engineering Development Center in Tullahoma, Tennessee, they have a thing they call the "chicken gun." It shoots chickens at airplane canopies to test for collision resistance. There is a joke about accidentally using frozen chickens which is made up. But I did some work for them years ago and heard the following true story:
When the chicken gun was first built, they got it calibrated and it worked very well for some time. Then, the failure rate started going up pretty markedly. It crossed various types of canopies and glass. The scientists checked all of the settings on the gun and everything checked out. They went through the math and could find nothing wrong but the failures were statistically way too high. Someone finally called the chicken supplier and asked him if anything had changed with the chickens. He told them that they had become his best customer so he had started giving them the next larger size chickens at no extra charge. They thanked him for the thought and requested that he return to the smaller chickens. Problem solved.
