Voles fans-you have been warned

[footballphilreturns]

Tennessee Fans

I am 6'3, 265 pounds, 3% bodyfat. I squat 600 (for 10 reps), 500 pound bench, and 675 deadlift. Goatee, crew cut, and old spice. I just finished my workout, took my post workout supplements, did a few poses, and wanted to post on here after a few years off of working on physique.


This is not a warning, this is an ultimatum.

I was recently on vacation, and saw a Voles fan at the beach, and later at the hotel gym. We had a friendly conversation. I helped spot him with his 135 max bench. I jokingly let him know that the TN football team will need as much help as he does on the bench when playing the Cats. He ridiculed me, so on the next spot I let him drop the weight on his neck. I think he was crushed as bad as some of you are over Woodson winning the Heisman.

I will be patrolling the lots before the game in my Northwestern muscle T. You will be able to tell who I am on my sheer physical appearance alone, broad shoulders, and calves like cows. You will address us by "sir" and "mam", and will be grateful you are able to play us.

I have seen too much pandering back and forth on this site, and its time for it to stop. It is inexcusable, the war is over.....you lost.

I was an All American wrestler and will be putting some of you toothless fans in headlocks until you are completely in submission. If you disrespect any Northwestern fans I will be on to you quicker than a brother is onto his sister once she hits 17 in Tennessee.

I am open to suggestions from Northwestern fans as well on how I should handle this (as open as Peyton Mannings marriage is).


Here is to a good game, and no problems. If there are problems be ready to be headlocked by my 20 inch biceps and the smell of oldspice.


Phil

 

[PURPLE Book Cat]

Oh this is gonna be a good thread

 

[Deeringfish]

Tennessee Fans

I am 6'3, 265 pounds, 3% bodyfat. I squat 600 (for 10 reps), 500 pound bench, and 675 deadlift. Goatee, crew cut, and old spice. I just finished my workout, took my post workout supplements, did a few poses, and wanted to post on here after a few years off of working on physique.


This is not a warning, this is an ultimatum.

I was recently on vacation, and saw a Voles fan at the beach, and later at the hotel gym. We had a friendly conversation. I helped spot him with his 135 max bench. I jokingly let him know that the TN football team will need as much help as he does on the bench when playing the Cats. He ridiculed me, so on the next spot I let him drop the weight on his neck. I think he was crushed as bad as some of you are over Woodson winning the Heisman.

I will be patrolling the lots before the game in my Northwestern muscle T. You will be able to tell who I am on my sheer physical appearance alone, broad shoulders, and calves like cows. You will address us by "sir" and "mam", and will be grateful you are able to play us.

I have seen too much pandering back and forth on this site, and its time for it to stop. It is inexcusable, the war is over.....you lost.

I was an All American wrestler and will be putting some of you toothless fans in headlocks until you are completely in submission. If you disrespect any Northwestern fans I will be on to you quicker than a brother is onto his sister once she hits 17 in Tennessee.

I am open to suggestions from Northwestern fans as well on how I should handle this (as open as Peyton Mannings marriage is).


Here is to a good game, and no problems. If there are problems be ready to be headlocked by my 20 inch biceps and the smell of oldspice.


Phil

Wait Phil, I thought you were a marshal arts expert and what about your after shave... you know. Old Spice. I'm confused.

 

[B_ll]

Tennessee Fans

I am 6'3, 265 pounds, 3% bodyfat. I squat 600 (for 10 reps), 500 pound bench, and 675 deadlift. Goatee, crew cut, and old spice. I just finished my workout, took my post workout supplements, did a few poses, and wanted to post on here after a few years off of working on physique.


This is not a warning, this is an ultimatum.

I was recently on vacation, and saw a Voles fan at the beach, and later at the hotel gym. We had a friendly conversation. I helped spot him with his 135 max bench. I jokingly let him know that the TN football team will need as much help as he does on the bench when playing the Cats. He ridiculed me, so on the next spot I let him drop the weight on his neck. I think he was crushed as bad as some of you are over Woodson winning the Heisman.

I will be patrolling the lots before the game in my Northwestern muscle T. You will be able to tell who I am on my sheer physical appearance alone, broad shoulders, and calves like cows. You will address us by "sir" and "mam", and will be grateful you are able to play us.

I have seen too much pandering back and forth on this site, and its time for it to stop. It is inexcusable, the war is over.....you lost.

I was an All American wrestler and will be putting some of you toothless fans in headlocks until you are completely in submission. If you disrespect any Northwestern fans I will be on to you quicker than a brother is onto his sister once she hits 17 in Tennessee.

I am open to suggestions from Northwestern fans as well on how I should handle this (as open as Peyton Mannings marriage is).


Here is to a good game, and no problems. If there are problems be ready to be headlocked by my 20 inch biceps and the smell of oldspice.


Phil

 

[B_ll]

LOL too much old spice.

 

[Hungry Jack]

A vole is a small rodent resembling a mouse but with a stouter body, a shorter, hairy tail, a slightly rounder head, smaller ears and eyes, and differently formed molars (high-crowned and with angular cusps instead of low-crowned and with rounded cusps). There are approximately 155 species of voles. They are sometimes known as meadow mice or field mice in North America. Vole species form the subfamilyArvicolinae with the lemmings and the muskrats.

Voles have a number of unusual chromosomal traits. Species have been found with 17 to 64 chromosomes. In some species, males and females have different chromosome numbers, a trait unusual in mammals though it is seen in other organisms. Additionally, genetic material typically found on the Y chromosome has been found in both males and females in at least one species. In another species, the X-chromosome contains 20% of the genome. All of these variations result in very little physical aberration; most vole species are virtually indistinguishable.

 

[B_ll]

A vole is a small rodent resembling a mouse but with a stouter body, a shorter, hairy tail, a slightly rounder head, smaller ears and eyes, and differently formed molars (high-crowned and with angular cusps instead of low-crowned and with rounded cusps). There are approximately 155 species of voles. They are sometimes known as meadow mice or field mice in North America. Vole species form the subfamilyArvicolinae with the lemmings and the muskrats.

Voles have a number of unusual chromosomal traits. Species have been found with 17 to 64 chromosomes. In some species, males and females have different chromosome numbers, a trait unusual in mammals though it is seen in other organisms. Additionally, genetic material typically found on the Y chromosome has been found in both males and females in at least one species. In another species, the X-chromosome contains 20% of the genome. All of these variations result in very little physical aberration; most vole species are virtually indistinguishable.

LOL get your ass kicked by a bunch of field mice. Now thats funny right there. I don't care where you are from. LOL

 

[B_ll]

A vole is a small rodent resembling a mouse but with a stouter body, a shorter, hairy tail, a slightly rounder head, smaller ears and eyes, and differently formed molars (high-crowned and with angular cusps instead of low-crowned and with rounded cusps). There are approximately 155 species of voles. They are sometimes known as meadow mice or field mice in North America. Vole species form the subfamilyArvicolinae with the lemmings and the muskrats.

Voles have a number of unusual chromosomal traits. Species have been found with 17 to 64 chromosomes. In some species, males and females have different chromosome numbers, a trait unusual in mammals though it is seen in other organisms. Additionally, genetic material typically found on the Y chromosome has been found in both males and females in at least one species. In another species, the X-chromosome contains 20% of the genome. All of these variations result in very little physical aberration; most vole species are virtually indistinguishable.

Glad you told me what a VOLE is, I will make sure all my VOL fans know what a VOLE is.

 

[B_ll]

Tennessee Fans

I am 6'3, 265 pounds, 3% bodyfat. I squat 600 (for 10 reps), 500 pound bench, and 675 deadlift. Goatee, crew cut, and old spice. I just finished my workout, took my post workout supplements, did a few poses, and wanted to post on here after a few years off of working on physique.


This is not a warning, this is an ultimatum.

I was recently on vacation, and saw a Voles fan at the beach, and later at the hotel gym. We had a friendly conversation. I helped spot him with his 135 max bench. I jokingly let him know that the TN football team will need as much help as he does on the bench when playing the Cats. He ridiculed me, so on the next spot I let him drop the weight on his neck. I think he was crushed as bad as some of you are over Woodson winning the Heisman.

I will be patrolling the lots before the game in my Northwestern muscle T. You will be able to tell who I am on my sheer physical appearance alone, broad shoulders, and calves like cows. You will address us by "sir" and "mam", and will be grateful you are able to play us.

I have seen too much pandering back and forth on this site, and its time for it to stop. It is inexcusable, the war is over.....you lost.

I was an All American wrestler and will be putting some of you toothless fans in headlocks until you are completely in submission. If you disrespect any Northwestern fans I will be on to you quicker than a brother is onto his sister once she hits 17 in Tennessee.

I am open to suggestions from Northwestern fans as well on how I should handle this (as open as Peyton Mannings marriage is).


Here is to a good game, and no problems. If there are problems be ready to be headlocked by my 20 inch biceps and the smell of oldspice.


Phil

Did you play on the movie "STRIPES" I think it was Francis. yeah lighten up francis

 

[Gladeskat]

Did you play on the movie "STRIPES" I think it was Francis. yeah lighten up francis

Three posts in a row? I think we all know who needs to lighten up.

 

[The_Waterboy]

Standard rule of thumb for internet message boards applies here: Don't feed the trolls.

 

[spear90]

Phil, you might want to look into the last team that called the VOLS "voles", disrespected them during the run up to the game and at the coin toss- that would be Miami, 1986 Sugar Bowl.

http://www.allstatesugarbowl.org/site106.php

Since you are being jerk about threatening people with violence, I strongly suggest you look into the Florida "stand your ground' law, and the disparity of force clause. Florida has very different firearm and self defense laws compared to IL. When a big, super strong he man like yourself puts a small person in a headlock which might cut off breathing, you have met the "potential great bodily harm threshold" and you might end up facing the business end of a .40 pistol.

 

[PURPLE Book Cat]

wow, I'm not sure we have had any murder threats in response to a (faux or real) football phil post. That's a new level

 

[spear90]

No threat on my part. It was more public service announcement. Apparently the original poster thinks it's all right to go around attacking people. As I mentioned in my post, Illinois and Florida have very, very different self-defense and firearm laws. In the interest of everybody having a good time at the game, I just wanted to make sure that he understood that walking around the parking lot putting people in head locks in Florida can lead to a lot of trouble.

 

[Hungry Jack]

Does Stand Your Ground apply if the attacker is wielding Old Spice?

 

[FloridAlum]

Does Stand Your Ground apply if the attacker is wielding Old Spice?

Stick or aerosol?

 

[footballphilreturns]

Stick or aerosol?

Both.


I am not in Danger. I AM the Danger.


Phil

 

[WaveJumper]

Um spear 90.

Illinois is a stand your ground state. I know this because I am a concealed carry holder in 40 states - including Illinois, Tennessee, and Florida. You need to work on your research technique.

One other thing, Football Phil is as real as a heart attack. Would avoid at all costs!

 

[wicker]

Is this OP the same guy who ran with this shtick as a PSU fan a few yrs ago? Liked to beer muscle on the Ohio State board

 

[WaveJumper]

Feral Dog:

Keep it coming. We love guys like you. Makes this thread worth reading.

Any more bites?

 

[WaveJumper]

Hungry Jack:

Only if the perp tries to choke you with his Old Spice speed stick.

 

[FloridAlum]

Hungry Jack:

Only if the perp tries to choke you with his Old Spice speed stick.

I am more worried about the aerosol. It is sort of like mace, but Old Spice smells worse

 

[dagley07]

Just so everyone can get the full picture of the message you wish to convey, could the OP add: "Please read in the voice of Macho Man Randy Savage" at the beginning of your post, and "Snap into a Slim Jim!" at the end?

 

[spear90]

Um spear 90.

Illinois is a stand your ground state. I know this because I am a concealed carry holder in 40 states - including Illinois, Tennessee, and Florida. You need to work on your research technique.

One other thing, Football Phil is as real as a heart attack. Would avoid at all costs!

Based my posting on

http://www.nbcchicago.com/blogs/war...t-Have-A-Stand-Your-Ground-Law-216605471.html

which is apparently no tup to date. Glad to hear IL has a strong self defense law.

 

[footballphilreturns]

Based my posting on

http://www.nbcchicago.com/blogs/war...t-Have-A-Stand-Your-Ground-Law-216605471.html

which is apparently no tup to date. Glad to hear IL has a strong self defense law.

You will need more than just a gun to stand your ground against me.

 

[della]

Tennessee Fans

I am 6'3, 265 pounds, 3% bodyfat. I squat 600 (for 10 reps), 500 pound bench, and 675 deadlift. Goatee, crew cut, and old spice. I just finished my workout, took my post workout supplements, did a few poses, and wanted to post on here after a few years off of working on physique.


This is not a warning, this is an ultimatum.

I was recently on vacation, and saw a Voles fan at the beach, and later at the hotel gym. We had a friendly conversation. I helped spot him with his 135 max bench. I jokingly let him know that the TN football team will need as much help as he does on the bench when playing the Cats. He ridiculed me, so on the next spot I let him drop the weight on his neck. I think he was crushed as bad as some of you are over Woodson winning the Heisman.

I will be patrolling the lots before the game in my Northwestern muscle T. You will be able to tell who I am on my sheer physical appearance alone, broad shoulders, and calves like cows. You will address us by "sir" and "mam", and will be grateful you are able to play us.

I have seen too much pandering back and forth on this site, and its time for it to stop. It is inexcusable, the war is over.....you lost.

I was an All American wrestler and will be putting some of you toothless fans in headlocks until you are completely in submission. If you disrespect any Northwestern fans I will be on to you quicker than a brother is onto his sister once she hits 17 in Tennessee.

I am open to suggestions from Northwestern fans as well on how I should handle this (as open as Peyton Mannings marriage is).


Here is to a good game, and no problems. If there are problems be ready to be headlocked by my 20 inch biceps and the smell of oldspice.


Phil

Phil,

Do you ever take yourself out for dinner, so you can get some "me time"? I can imagine you taking yourself for a night out on the town and finishing the evening with a romantic candlelit dinner for one with some flowers.

 

[OldTownPepe]

This might be the stupidest thread I've ever read.

 

[footballphilreturns]

Phil,

Do you ever take yourself out for dinner, so you can get some "me time"? I can imagine you taking yourself for a night out on the town and finishing the evening with a romantic candlelit dinner for one with some flowers.

I spend lots of "me" time with 225 pound barbell curls and lots of elliptical cardio, tanning beds and heavy compound lifts. Usually it is someone in awe of my physique who is taking me out.



I dont ever pay, but when I do, its on the house.


Phil

 

[wicker]

So Phil, what are your thoughts on the 97 Heisman race?

 

[della]

I spend lots of "me" time with 225 pound barbell curls and lots of elliptical cardio, tanning beds and heavy compound lifts. Usually it is someone in awe of my physique who is taking me out.



I dont ever pay, but when I do, its on the house.


Phil

I think I got you the perfect gift for the holidays, but I need you to tell me which one you like best.
I think the wood one is more handsome, but it comes with the drawback of being stationary and you wouldn't be able to use it as often. What do you think?

 

[Deeringfish]

Phil,

Do you ever take yourself out for dinner, so you can get some "me time"? I can imagine you taking yourself for a night out on the town and finishing the evening with a romantic candlelit dinner for one with some flowers.

Della,
Congratulations on an intelligent, creative response to the Phil character.

 

[footballphilreturns]

So Phil, what are your thoughts on the 97 Heisman

I think I got you the perfect gift for the holidays, but I need you to tell me which one you like best.
I think the wood one is more handsome, but it comes with the drawback of being stationary and you wouldn't be able to use it as often. What do you think?

It will fit perfectly into my hall of mirrors in my mansion. I replicated it just like Versailles.


I will look into purchasing the mirrors.


Phil

 

[Hungry Jack]

A measure of patience is due our guests from Tennessee. Please pay heed as I endeavor to explain the phenomenon known as "Football Phil."

Simply put, Football Phil is a force for good in the world. He terminally adjudicates all acts of evil based on a personal code of conduct that supersedes any legal entity or jurisdiction. If you are righteous, if you are just, if you are virtuous, if you are respectful, the Football Phil will bless you with his universal benevolence. If not, I fear for you.

Imagine the physique of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, the intellect of Aristotle, the wisdom of the great Buddha, and the ruthlessness of Richard Bronson. If you can imagine that, you can imagine Football Phil. Just hope it's on a good day.

Because, like any character from a Clint Eastwood film, be it the conflicted Josey Wales, the regretful Frankie Dunn, or the haunted Walt Kowalsky, Football Phil has a dark side. When conditions warrant, he becomes the unwilling enforcer--a man who knows the duty and the pain of having to bring harm to a fellow man who has given in to Darkness. Phil, being a force of light, illuminates Darkness in very unsubtle ways. Do not veer into Darkness around Phil.

I first met Phil decades ago. I was alone on a 12-day backpack in the Rawah Wilderness, far from the trappings of civilization, and frankly in some distress. My water filter had broken, and in my ignorance had been burning fuel to boil water. It was Phil who set me on the path to greater consciousness. He approached my high camp by scaling a 40-ft cliff with his 230lb pack (Phil always carried a set of 90-lb dumbbells for curls on his backpack trips). Seeing my distress, he gave me his last bottle of Old Spice, wherein the alcohol-based solvents provided a potent source of fuel. He then gave me his last muscle tank t-shirt, a supple blend of fabrics composed from merino wool and the golden tresses from Assyrian virgins that was so finely woven that it was ideal for filtering fluids. His parting words to me that day, "Yo, increase the peace, brah" still resonate in my mind decades later.

Phil pays no particular allegiance to country or flag. He is universal. However, he does express a heartfelt fondness for Northwestern and the football Wildcats. Phil toiled for NU during the Dark Ages, a period during which the administration was openly hostile toward athletics. Had it not been for Phil, Northwestern very likely would have dropped the program in the early 1970s, when disco was nearing its apex as a social phenomenon. Though only a strapping 19 year old weighing 230 lbs, Phil possessed the gravitas to "discuss important matters" with much older, more accomplished men. It was Football Phil who strode unannounced into the office of President Robert Strotz one summer day. Phil had just completed his eighth set of gassers, yet still was composed enough to deliver a message to Strotz, who that day intended to deliver a resolution to the Board that football be abolished at Northwestern.

Phil's message to Strotz was simple: "My left bicep represents the Arts. My right bicep represents the Sciences. They are beautifully apportioned, as you can plainly see. If you disband football at this fine institution, you will be crushed by Arts and Sciences."

Word has it that Strotz was visibly shaken, but even his myopic mind could grasp the notion that athletics and academic excellence could co-exist, and in fact be mutually re-enforcing. It is also believed that Yassar Arafat, in his famous "Olive Branch" speech before the UN, borrowed directly from Phil's "advice" delivered to Strotz that fateful day.

Now in his sixties, Phil's physique has barely aged. But his wisdom and sense of duty to society has blossomed. Phil regularly patrols Northwestern games, enlightening guest fans to the ways of eternal light, steering them away from the Darkness.

 

[della]

It will fit perfectly into my hall of mirrors in my mansion. I replicated it just like Versailles.


I will look into purchasing the mirrors.


Phil

No Phil,

It is my gift to you.

 

[ubercat]

"I've seen grown men pull their own heads off rather than see footballphil." : Luigi Vercotti

 

[della]

Della,
Congratulations on an intelligent, creative response to the Phil character.

We have a Phil too, thanks.
For we are all equally blessed. For I have the pride, the privilege, nay, the pleasure of introducing to you to a coach, sired by coaches. A coach who can trace his lineage back beyond Neyland. I first met him atop a mountain near Jerusalem, praying to God, asking his forgiveness for the bama blood spilt by his cold stare. Next, he amazed me still further in Athens (Georgia) when he saved a fatherless beauty from the would-be ravishing of her dreadful UGA uncle. In Nashville he spent a year in silence just to better understand the sound when lip reading opposing signals. And so without further gilding the lily and with no more ado, I give to you, the seeker of serenity, the protector of Volunteer virginity, the enforcer of the football gods, the one, the only, the legend of Knoxville, Coach Phil Fulmer.

 

[dagley07]

A measure of patience is due our guests from Tennessee. Please pay heed as I endeavor to explain the phenomenon known as "Football Phil."

Simply put, Football Phil is a force for good in the world. He simply adjudicates all acts of evil based on a personal code of conduct that supersedes any legal entity or jurisdiction. If you are righteous, if you are just, if you are virtuous, if you are respectful, the Football Phil will bless you with his universal benevolence.

Imagine the physique of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, the intellect of Aristotle, the wisdom of the great Buddha, and the ruthlessness of Richard Bronson. If you can imagine that, you can imagine Football Phil.

But like any character from a Clint Eastwood film, be it the conflicted Josey Wales, the regretful Frankie Dunn, or the haunted Walt Kowalsky, Football Phil has a dark side. When conditions warrant, he becomes the unwilling enforcer--a man who knows the pain and duty of having to bring harm to a fellow man who has given in to darkness. Phil, being a force of light, illuminates darkness in very unsubtle ways. Do not veer into darkness around Phil.

I first met Phil decades ago. I was alone on a 12-day backpack in the Rawah Wilderness, far from the trappings of civilization, and frankly in some distress. My water filter had broken, and in my ignorance had been burning fuel to boil water. It was Phil who set me on the path to greater consciousness. He approached my high camp by scaling a 40-ft cliff with his 230lb pack (Phil always carried a set of 90-lb dumbbells for curls on his backpack trips). Seeing my distress, he gave me his last bottle of Old Spice, wherein the alcohol-based solvents provided a potent source of fuel. He then gave me his last muscle tank t-shirt, a supple blend of fabrics from merino wool and trusses from Assyrian virgins that was so finely woven that it was ideal for filtering fluids. His parting words to me that day, "Yo, increase the peace, brah" still resonate in my mind decades later.

Phil pays no particular allegiance to country or flag. He is universal. However, he does express a heartfelt fondness for Northwestern and the football Wildcats. Phil toiled for NU during the Dark Ages, a period during which the administration was openly hostile toward athletics. Had it not been for Phil, Northwestern very likely would have dropped the program in the early 1970s, when disco was nearing its apex as a social phenomenon. Though only a strapping 19 year old weighing 230 lbs, Phil possessed the gravitas to "discuss important matters" with much older, more accomplished men. It was Football Phil who strode unannounced into the office of President Robert Strotz one summer day. Phil had just completed his eighth set of gassers, yet still was composed enough to deliver a message to Strotz, who that day intended to deliver a resolution to the Board that football be abolished at Northwestern.

Phil's message to Strotz was simple: "My left bicep represents the Arts. My right bicep represents the Sciences. They are beautifully apportioned, as you can plainly see. If you disband football at this fine institution, you will be crushed by Arts and Sciences." Word has it that Strotz was visibly shaken, but even his myopic mind could grasp the notion that athletics and academic excellence could co-exist, and in fact be mutually re-enforcing. It is also believed that Yassar Arafat, in his famous "Olive Branch" speech before the UN, borrowed directly from Phil's "advice" delivered to Strotz that fateful day.

Now in his sixties, Phil's physique has barely aged. But his wisdom and sense of duty to society has blossomed. Phil regularly patrols Northwestern games, enlightening guest fans to the ways of eternal light, steering them away from the Darkness.

This is a great work, with 3 references to Clint Eastwood characters. Cannot help but respect this level of quality terminological inexactitude - (for Northwestern fans); whopper or fish tale - (for us Vols fans) provided herein. Well done Sir.

 

[IGNORE2]

Tennessee Fans

I am 6'3, 265 pounds, 3% bodyfat. I squat 600 (for 10 reps), 500 pound bench, and 675 deadlift. Goatee, crew cut, and old spice. I just finished my workout, took my post workout supplements, did a few poses, and wanted to post on here after a few years off of working on physique.


This is not a warning, this is an ultimatum.

I was recently on vacation, and saw a Voles fan at the beach, and later at the hotel gym. We had a friendly conversation. I helped spot him with his 135 max bench. I jokingly let him know that the TN football team will need as much help as he does on the bench when playing the Cats. He ridiculed me, so on the next spot I let him drop the weight on his neck. I think he was crushed as bad as some of you are over Woodson winning the Heisman.

I will be patrolling the lots before the game in my Northwestern muscle T. You will be able to tell who I am on my sheer physical appearance alone, broad shoulders, and calves like cows. You will address us by "sir" and "mam", and will be grateful you are able to play us.

I have seen too much pandering back and forth on this site, and its time for it to stop. It is inexcusable, the war is over.....you lost.

I was an All American wrestler and will be putting some of you toothless fans in headlocks until you are completely in submission. If you disrespect any Northwestern fans I will be on to you quicker than a brother is onto his sister once she hits 17 in Tennessee.

I am open to suggestions from Northwestern fans as well on how I should handle this (as open as Peyton Mannings marriage is).


Here is to a good game, and no problems. If there are problems be ready to be headlocked by my 20 inch biceps and the smell of oldspice.


Phil

Hey Phil, did you watch the MMA action last night? What did you think about the two title matches?

 

[footballphilreturns]

This is a great work, with 3 references to Clint Eastwood characters. Cannot help but respect this level of quality terminological inexactitude - (for Northwestern fans); whopper or fish tale - (for us Vols fans) provided herein. Well done Sir.

Ageee

A measure of patience is due our guests from Tennessee. Please pay heed as I endeavor to explain the phenomenon known as "Football Phil."

Simply put, Football Phil is a force for good in the world. He simply adjudicates all acts of evil based on a personal code of conduct that supersedes any legal entity or jurisdiction. If you are righteous, if you are just, if you are virtuous, if you are respectful, the Football Phil will bless you with his universal benevolence.

Imagine the physique of Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, the intellect of Aristotle, the wisdom of the great Buddha, and the ruthlessness of Richard Bronson. If you can imagine that, you can imagine Football Phil.

But like any character from a Clint Eastwood film, be it the conflicted Josey Wales, the regretful Frankie Dunn, or the haunted Walt Kowalsky, Football Phil has a dark side. When conditions warrant, he becomes the unwilling enforcer--a man who knows the pain and duty of having to bring harm to a fellow man who has given in to Darkness. Phil, being a force of light, illuminates Darkness in very unsubtle ways. Do not veer into Darkness around Phil.

I first met Phil decades ago. I was alone on a 12-day backpack in the Rawah Wilderness, far from the trappings of civilization, and frankly in some distress. My water filter had broken, and in my ignorance had been burning fuel to boil water. It was Phil who set me on the path to greater consciousness. He approached my high camp by scaling a 40-ft cliff with his 230lb pack (Phil always carried a set of 90-lb dumbbells for curls on his backpack trips). Seeing my distress, he gave me his last bottle of Old Spice, wherein the alcohol-based solvents provided a potent source of fuel. He then gave me his last muscle tank t-shirt, a supple blend of fabrics composed from merino wool and the golden tresses from Assyrian virgins that was so finely woven that it was ideal for filtering fluids. His parting words to me that day, "Yo, increase the peace, brah" still resonate in my mind decades later.

Phil pays no particular allegiance to country or flag. He is universal. However, he does express a heartfelt fondness for Northwestern and the football Wildcats. Phil toiled for NU during the Dark Ages, a period during which the administration was openly hostile toward athletics. Had it not been for Phil, Northwestern very likely would have dropped the program in the early 1970s, when disco was nearing its apex as a social phenomenon. Though only a strapping 19 year old weighing 230 lbs, Phil possessed the gravitas to "discuss important matters" with much older, more accomplished men. It was Football Phil who strode unannounced into the office of President Robert Strotz one summer day. Phil had just completed his eighth set of gassers, yet still was composed enough to deliver a message to Strotz, who that day intended to deliver a resolution to the Board that football be abolished at Northwestern.

Phil's message to Strotz was simple: "My left bicep represents the Arts. My right bicep represents the Sciences. They are beautifully apportioned, as you can plainly see. If you disband football at this fine institution, you will be crushed by Arts and Sciences." Word has it that Strotz was visibly shaken, but even his myopic mind could grasp the notion that athletics and academic excellence could co-exist, and in fact be mutually re-enforcing. It is also believed that Yassar Arafat, in his famous "Olive Branch" speech before the UN, borrowed directly from Phil's "advice" delivered to Strotz that fateful day.

Now in his sixties, Phil's physique has barely aged. But his wisdom and sense of duty to society has blossomed. Phil regularly patrols Northwestern games, enlightening guest fans to the ways of eternal light, steering them away from the Darkness.

Thank you for the incredible words Hungry. Everybit of it is true, except it was 18 gassers, not 8. And I was a bit offended by a comparison to The Rock, he is a bit small.


You post congratulating such a man as myself deserves its own thread.



Phil

 

[lordshieldpacal]

Thanks Football Phil. As you are prancing around the parking lots, hallways, and restaurants of Tampa to abuse VOL fans, just remember that in the action-adventure movies Tennessee is referred to as the "State of Shooting Things." That is because 7 out of every 10 is packing heat and knows how to use it---including the women.